On this day one year ago, life as I knew it changed forever.
I had been told after a short spell of illness that there was metastatic cancer in my body.
Just like that, boom everything changed colour, taste, feeling, my world as I knew it over in a 20 minute doctors meeting.
ARE YOU FUCKING SURE
sprang to mind
I DON’T WANT THIS
THIS ISN’T PART OF THE PLAN
Also I had dealt with enough medical shenanigans having had a traumatic miscarriage three months previous.
I was shell shocked, that this young brown girl had been picked to have cancer.
How did it manifest inside me in such a short amount of time?
I have barely lived!
I felt disgusted because I did not know anyone going through it, because everyone I knew that had cancer was DEAD.
Cancer = Death no wonder I spiralled into panic.
Thanks to modern medicine and my stubborn persistence to live i’m still here give or take some intense nerve pain and a restricted arm.
I’m at the end of my natural prognosis (6-12 months without treatment) so everything from here on out is ‘extra time’ baby.
Women remember everything, it’s so annoying that I remember my diagnosis date along with lots of other useless information like my first date with Gareth.
Women use these dates as annoying markers for goodness knows what, just to add extra admin to our busy little brains.
As I write this the tree in my back garden is full of cherry blossom once again, I feel emotional as I compare the two springs, one where I was sick and full of uncertainty and one where i’m diagnosed as sick and still full of uncertainty.
With my G – June 2018
So much has happened between these two seasons I am no longer the same girl, my fertility and future out of my hands, uncertainty once again casting shadow over my day to day life.
It has been quite the challenge to accept that I cannot plan my future like I can plan menus, yet I feel totally and utterly comfortable living like this now.
A year on after trying a couple of target drugs which have stopped working I am now undergoing a new combination of Chemotherapy, Immunotherapy and Targeted therapy for my particular circumstance.
At Maidstone Hospital having my second round of combination drugs – June 2019
I have been non responsive to target drugs yet no new mutations, the combination is called ‘IMpower 150’, cool name right?
The initial fear, CHEMO, visualising sick people and bald heads made me shudder, but I have cancer through no choice of my own so must look to overcome and conquer my fears and work through this new chapter that I have quite frankly been blessed with.
This combination has proved to show positive results and brand new on our beloved NHS.
I recently had a break from writing and work commitments as chronic pain took hold and robbed me of my attention span and ability to physically write, walk and carry out the simplest of daily tasks.
I am improving and responding to this new treatment everyday and sharing my vulnerability through this whole process has completely……. IMpowered me
Ending on a terrible joke because my sense of humour has also come back.
Bristol – May 2019